Carers: Mary - Good care is about a genuine connection between people
“Finding people who would really care for Mary was by far my biggest challenge and greatest relief. Figuring out what to do… how to go about it and who to talk to, were all part of the challenge.
I started with getting as much information as I could from service providers and guidance from an advocacy group. I also talked with parents in similar circumstances… it all helped.
I became involved with a parent support group which provided an opportunity to learn more about Mary’s disability and meet with other parents who used respite care.
After some time, I eventually found a respite care service that I thought would be okay. The carers made a good impression and I was generally happy to give it a go. Although I had mixed feelings about leaving Mary behind and with people I barely knew.
Despite my feelings, respite care provided time to spend with the rest of the family and a break from having to look after Mary all the time. I still worried about Mary even though I thought the carers were more than capable of looking after her.
After a few times of using respite care, I gradually became more comfortable with leaving Mary behind … knowing that Mary was cared for was the start of not feeling guilty whenever I left her… even though she was being well cared for, it was still hard to leave her… it was like I could not let go of the responsibility for Mary... it took a long time to accept that it was okay to share the responsibility with other people. It was not only about whether the carers had the skill… it was more to do with their genuine concern for Mary and my reluctance to let go of her.
For some time, I have known it takes special people to be good carers. There is something in these people that basically says, ‘I really do care about this person’ and that ‘caring goes beyond being just a job.’ It is that special quality that comes from people who understand that caring for other people can be a reward in itself. It is a quality that few people really understand and is just about non-existent in to-day’s business world where self-importance rules the day and being really concerned about other people doesn't matter.
Carers are not often acknowledged for their commitment and the value of their work. Often their work is behind the scene and when it is visible, it may not be recognised. It may be at a shopping centre pushing a wheelchair or blending in with a group of people having lunch together or making sure everyone crosses the road safely. It may involve managing difficult and challenging circumstances, organising the day and balancing priorities.
Caring is learning about tolerance and discovering personal limitations, building an understanding of a person and perhaps knowing that no other work really compares with caring for another person.
I remember times when I would get back into my car after dropping Mary off at respite care… I would feel the wrench of her absence as I drove down the street... I would try to balance my pangs of guilt and mixed feelings with the understanding that Mary was now with people who really cared for her and that it was all right to leave her with capable people. It was a battle between heart and mind. A battle with strong feelings and logical argument; there was never a clear answer.
It wasn't easy… it was hard, but in time I felt it was the best arrangement for all our family. Just knowing Mary was in good hands and that she felt at home, made it just a little easier.”
Lessons learned
Good caring is based on a genuine connection with a person; understanding a person’s needs; maintaining a commitment; providing sincere care and making beneficial changes.
Caring for a person can be challenging, rewarding, life-changing, difficult, joyful, stressful and a time for understanding lasting values.